Friday, February 06, 2004

Meredith is getting very impatient. She notes that, technically, it is erev shabbat, and I can't argue with that. So here it is: my husband's best-known work. He wrote this in response to a specific request, so I suppose you might call it a teshuvah.

One Fine Shabbat: A Detailed Guide to Violating Every Aspect of Shabbat in 25 Hours

I know about your quest to violate all of Shabbat. Hence, I have compiled this list, which, if strictly followed, will help you to violate Shabbat in the most expedient manner in just 25 hours - one day! This is a very daunting task, so, sleep well beforehand, because, you won't be getting any on Shabbat (as a side benefit, that means, no menucha for you). This will assume a Candle-lighting time of 8:30PM, Friday, and havdalah time of 9:30PM, on Saturday. Adjust as appropriate (if you need a little less time or more time, you'll see when you can adjust it).
8:30PM - Candle lighting time. Get ready! Light a candle, out of spite. Remember not to say a berachah! As you might know, there are 18 minutes of uncertainty time between the published candle lighting time and the time Shabbat actually begins. Take this time to review your activities for the next day.
8:48PM - Start off easy. Be sure you're in a place without an eruv. Put a pen in your shirt pocket and put some money in your pants pocket. Walk outside. Even if your town has an eruv, these objects are muktzeh, and you've just started on your way.
8:53PM - Go back inside. Turn on your oven.
8:55PM - Strike a match, then extinguish it, just for some pyromaniacal fun.
8:56PM - Start cooking dinner. Use the oven. Be sure to include some uncooked solids and liquids in the stuff you heat up ... just to be sure you're doing it right. If possible, cook non-kosher meat. If all you can get is kosher meat, include some kosher milk or milk product (cholov yisrael preferred, just to be absolutely sure!) in the cooking. If you're a vegetarian, you're on your own.
9:20PM - While you're waiting for dinner to cook, write a short story. Correct any mistakes. If you didn't make any, or, you're just a completely uncreative dumb-ass, write your name 20 times, and erase it. While you're at it, write God's name 20 times, scream it out at the top of your lungs, interspersed with obscenities, then erase it.
9:55PM - Remember to turn off your oven.
9:56PM - Eat dinner. Just in case you think you won't be violating Shabbat during the next 20 minutes, eat a watermelon with dinner, and pick out the seeds. Remember, don't eat bread (we don't want this to be a meal), don't wash your hands, don't say any berachot (unless the food's not kosher).
10:20PM - Spilled something on your clothes while eating? Didn't and just want to violate Shabbat? Do your laundry.
10:30PM - Laundry's in the wash and you're bored. Wash your dishes. Be sure to use a sponge. Wipe them with paper towels. Tear them off as you need them. Also, be sure you don't need them any other time during Shabbat.
11:00PM - Put the laundry in the dryer. Wring water out of anything that's too wet.
11:05PM - It's getting late. Now, it's time to get creative. Draw a picture of your favorite deity.
11:20PM - Picture's not good enough. Take some clay or paper mache. Make yourself a 3D statue of the deity.
12:00AM - Thinking of joining the navy? Get a good book and learn how to tie a proper knot. Untie it too, just for the hell of it.
1:00AM - Boy is it late! Pick up the laundry. Then, kill someone. Really. Nobody will notice.
1:30AM - Uh, Oh! Someone did. Blame your friend. Sign a sworn affidavit.
2:00AM - Time to pray to your new deity for forgiveness. But, naked deities suck. Get yourself some cotton or wool. Comb it to get it ready.
2:30AM - Spin it to make thread.
3:00AM - Dye it the appropriate color. We suggest red, but it's your choice.
3:30AM - Make your deity some clothes. Be sure to do all of the following: spinning thread, weaving, unravelling woven material, sewing, warping, chainstiching (whatever the hell that is)... this may take you a while. If you're a professional, use this time for other things. While you're at it, put together some wicker baskets for him too.
4:30AM - It's bright and early in the morning. Go out into your yard. Dig some holes. Bury the murder victim, if you haven't otherwise disposed of the body. Pick some weeds. Pick some of that grain you've
been growing. Haven't been growing any grain? Steal some from someone else's field.
5:30AM - Thresh and winnow (separate) the grain. While you're at it, milk a pig. Pick some fruit. Separate the good ones into those baskets you made, for your god.
6:00AM - Plow the soil.
7:00AM - Plant something new.
8:00AM - You've had a hard night, with the murder and the agricultural work. Time to make yourself a nice breakfast. You've got plenty of grain. Grind it into flour and make dough. Bake some bread.
9:00AM - While you're waiting for your bread to bake, call your parents and scream obscenities into their phone or answering machine.
9:40AM - Eat breakfast. Take some food for later, in case you get hungry.
10:00AM - All this strain has had a nasty effect on your house. Do some remodelling work. Drive some nails.
11:00AM - Uh Oh! You messed up, undo some of that assembly work you just did.
12:00PM - Go out where there's some wildlife. Don't walk there, drive. Pay as many tolls as possible.
12:30PM - Set some traps, and catch a large animal. While you're waiting, scope out some of the nice halachically married Jewish women in the closest Jewish neighborhood. Take notes (the more you write, the better). You're going to need this information later.
1:30PM - Got an animal! Kill it. Skin it. Shear the hair/fur/feathers off the skin.
2:30PM - Tan the animal's skin. Score lines in it, to prepare it for cutting.
3:00PM - Cut that skin up. Make something nice.
4:00PM - Done? Go home.
4:30PM - You must be hungry! Eat some more non-kosher food. Use a pepper mill as much as possible.
5:00PM Wash up, and put on something nice. May I suggest your new animal skin jacket?
5:30PM - Time to go cruising for chicks. Remember the married woman you scoped out before? Time to find her.
6:10PM - Seduce her. I'll give you some time for that. If you're good with these kinds of things, then now's the time to catch up. (Chances are, if you're good at this, you're a little behind on the agricultural stuff anyway).
7:30PM - While you're at it, make sure you really want her, and her husband's car, and his donkey.
8:00PM - Have some adulterous fun (notice how much time I'm giving you for this...I don't want to be disappointed!).
9:30PM - Shabbat is over. Congratualations! You've just violated all 39 avot melachot, some rabbinic injunctions, and, as a bonus, all 10 commandments! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Many thanks to the OU for providing the list of avot melachot, without which, we wouldn't know what to do on Shabbat.

No comments: